we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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