Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We need a shit load of segways right now
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
