last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My breasts were aching with rage.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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