It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The best revenge is premature balding
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
