One girl and one boy is just not enough.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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