Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
