then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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