I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Randomize
