You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
