I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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