I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
