Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
