This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
