I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
