Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
What a dumb baby whore.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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