yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
