Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
