I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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