Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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