The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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