she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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