I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
