remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
