Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
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