ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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