The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
