Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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