i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
