I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
