I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
