i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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