birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
