when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize