I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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