fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
