she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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