Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
