oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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