First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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