I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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