he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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