before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
