i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
