Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
