He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize