Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
