He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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