Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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