She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
