a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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