If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Who died my cat blue again?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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