You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
