my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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