so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
