Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
