were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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