when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Please don't give away my fajitas
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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