He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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