I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
