I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
